By the way, I'm losing my fucking mind

"You're so quiet, do you have anything to share?"

"I'd speak my mind- except that I wouldn't dare"

"Tell me what's happening, dear"

"It's nothing-

Except everything you wouldn't want to hear."

Do dreams tell us anything?

I often think they share what we believe down deep

A place -Too deep for us to think about going-

Until the wall is unguarded during sleep.

Hold on to every color as they fade while you wake

You can't get them back

You can't dream that dream again

Hide in your dreams each night

Grab whatever feeling you can feel

For maybe what your mind is showing you

Is what you really need.

What you really want.

What you really need to want

It will become everything you want to need but are fearing this moment

Let it go,

Your control is at zero

The eye is the gateway for the brain

But for the heart it's a chain

As soon as a dream is shared,

It begins to vanish because no one cares

Hence why so many

Always stop sharing any.

It's really the children who know

The places In a dream you can go

As for me,

I'll stand under the lamp and continue to lie

Because here under the light is where dreams go to die

Hiding in the light is all we really know

It's the dark in our hearts we are too scared to show.

Which is which? I hardly know anymore...

That bridge is becoming as sure of a sight 

As the sun tomorrow or the moon tonight.

Don't jump

Lifeguards and yellow shirts

Blood and bone and full of dirt

A trip to the coast 

To the sunset a toast

"May I never come back here to die

Only to live and to live in the sky"

Dont jump they say don't jump

With a rock in my chest and throat in a lump

I'll make that journey once again

Just a boy plastered with sin 

Don't jump he says

Look at all of life the sun and the moon Rays

Beaming down from heaven

Or the heaven you think you've made

Don't jump she says, don't do it

That's the wrong bridge I reply

Id never do that 

But here I am shaking in the cold anyways

The clouds will always rain and I'll always carry an umbrella

But my plane ticket returns have exceeded the system

And I keep having to spend my money on gas for my rocket to the moon

So I wouldn't have enough money anyways

Or any to give to my friend for his birthday

Maybe a cup of tea and a new t shirt will do. Then id have enough money for a vacation

A fork in the road

There's a fork in the road ahead of me
and down each path I can see
neither future i want at all
scared of each to be honest

I see you in my mind
in pictures and different sings
i think i love you
it seems true
but i cant go on in these itchy sheets

3 hours to fall asleep
just to hear that alarm beep
and know another day is here
that so much in it i fear

I'm just a little boy
scared of this and that and everything in between
scared of losing you
scared ill take my life too soon

I see you play with your friends
but for me its always dead ends
i want to smile and laugh
but all i feel is my heart drop

one path leads to ups and downs
but only two weeks in,
I dont know how much worse it could get
its like i have so much to look forward to
and yet I dont even want to wake up in the morning

The other path is short,
a cliff at the end
over the edge ill send
cause I don't ever want to see you
and you not be mine

I pray that my love would be genuine
but somehow this room is still thinning
squeezing me towards the fork
i must choose a path

Its the same things that happened with her
with you i wouldnt let it happen- i swore
and now here i am not a smile
to open a single present

I cried last night for the first time in a while
when it rains it pours
and when it pours people drown
I hope sometimes i get swept under
or maybe that bridge can help me out...

Memories and pictures used to satisfy
now nothing this mind can pacify
I'm scared of each and every path
there may be more options but they all loop to death

I've said this before and ill say it as i sit
i want to love you each day hold you each night
for now I'm too scared to say it
but I'm sure I'm losing this fight

Police officer

It was a usual weekday night -rather late in the night actually,

Maybe 11:30pm or so

We got the call and my partner and I looked at each other

"An armed robbery?" He said. "On a Tuesday night?" 

We flipped a u turn and the lights on an raced to the shell station the dispatcher had directed us to.

Not often we saw an armed robbery around here. Especially at gas stations. That was more of thing that we hear about happening in the city and ghettos.

By the time we got there, another cruiswr was pulling up behind us, apparently the criminal had a gun. 

So I, being the driver, opened my door and kneeled behind it, gun drawn. My partner called out over the CB radio "come out now! We have you surrounded!"

Times like these my heart always beat and I thought of my family. While I was mostly safe behind this sheet metal door and I had my gun ready. But I knew the man or woman in there had a gun too, and that my reactions sure are slower than a gun. If he came out Beside me, I'd just have to pray he'd miss.

"Come out now!"

The voice was echoing out of the speakers.

Everyone near this gas station had cleared out once they heard the loud shouting inside and the police sirens.

We saw the shadow of a taller man inside the store with long dark hair carrying a what looked like a .357 magnum and a sack- probably full of money. 

We began to look at each other as this man strolled over to the window, looked out, then headed to the door.

I, being closest to the door became more nervous and cocked my gun.

The man opened the door and looked at us. He definitely had a gun, but he seemed in no hurry. 

"Drop your weapon and put your hands up!" The officer in the other cruiser behind us shouted

What happened then made time freeze for me. The next 10 seconds play in my mind as a 5 minute event.

The man, who i later realized was a young man, opened the door and came charging at me, his gun pointed straight at me. My heart stopped and I thought for sure this was it and so I never tried to pull my trigger. It was a fraction of a second later I noticed that this perhaps 18 year olds fas was red and there were tears streaming down his face. He was pulling the trigger to his gun but nothing was happening, all the while running at me. I couldn't bring myself to shoot him, still caught in between his tears and the confusion and fear that I would be shot. Just then I heard a loud gunshot that was very familiar to me although this time it seemed very loud. I looked down at my side to see if it was me who had been shot, then I looked at my partner, his gun ejecting a freshley released bullet falling to the ground. I looked back at this boy who had fallen on his knees, a puddle of blood growing under his chest and around his face.

I tha up to him, ignoring the shouts of the other officers. I rolled him over and he had one eye opened, tears covering his face. "

What are you doing?" I stumbled out

He looked at me and through offs of blood barely let out, "tell my girl I love her."

And with that he took half a breath and dropped in my arms. I looked at his gun. It was a plastic toy gun with not a single bb in it. I cried the rest of that night over that boy lying in a puddle of blood in his tie dye shirt and his toy gun next to him.

The hyena

There was once a young hyena who lived in the plains.

Everyday he would get up and do his hunt without much pain

If there was one thing he knew

A single thing he mustn't do

It was mess with the lions

For the one who messes with the lions gets chased down

And pounced on

And eaten alive

And the young hyena knew he wanted to survive

So he never went near the lions

Some days the hyena would go empty

Although he didn't mind-

he had friends to share with pity.

He always felt bad taking from his kind

Like he was the weak one

And this had his mind torn.

If there was one thing his friends knew

It was a single thing they shouldn't do

It was mess with the lions

For the one who messes with the lions gets chased down

And pounced on

And eaten alive

And the hyenas friends knew they wanted to survive

So they never went near the lions

Through weeks and aboard months and under days

The young hyenas mind grew with craze

He wanted to be the best hunter

Not the one who got scraps and extra slumber

But each and every day they said to him

"You can't be a good hunter when you're that short and slim!"

The Hyena knew if he was short and couldn't run

It wouldn't be long before he'd stumble upon a lion

Who'd chase him down

And pounce on him

And eat him alive

And if there's one thing the hyena knows, it's that he wants to survive.

So he tried to avoid the lions.

The hyenas father had taught him long ago

To run each day and watch his muscles grow

But one had hunt had put the hyena out

And all he was left to do was doubt

He would ever be strong like his friends

Or hunt and bring food back for the dens

No female hyenas wanted a young Hyena with no game

So naturally they passed by him- all the same

Most of them didn't even know his name

So the hyena became lonely and one final night

He prayed to the moon that had just a sliver of light

I wish I could tell you what he said

But not an ear heard it- they were all in bed

So the next day the hyena walked through the camp

Al alone, his fur slightly damp

No one paid attention

Most had forgotten his position

The young hyena walked into the lions place

Where he knew he'd find the best food looking him in the face

What about the lions? You're beginning to say

They stared  as the young hyena walked their way.

The young Hyena walked right up to where he knew they'd see

And took a bite out of the forbidden food with a smile on his teeth

For there was only one thing he knew

One single thing he must do

He must mess with the lions

So they will chase him down

and pounce on him

And eat him alive

And if there's one thing the young hyena knew,

It's that he no longer cared to survive.

Sand

I woke up from a dream

Only to find I was still asleep

Do we ever come to reality

Or just fall continuously?

I can't tell if this war is a fight

Or just struggle through the night

If I can make it until morning

Or I should turn back at the warning 

I can't tell if I should fight anymore

Or pray any longer

Or be angry at myself another day

For letting people down

Or at least telling myself I am

I don't know if this is a struggle worth fighting

Or if I'll just go On crawling

Through shards of glass

Just to run Into the other side of the cage

What is real and what is not?

They don't love me

I've let them down

Too Many times

And haven't made

Nearly enough

Rhymes

To scar over

The pain 

Of Yesterday's anger

It's like I'm angry

At anger

For locking Me away

You don't see the outside world

Until you're locked inside yourself 

I think it is a battle that will go on forever,

Stirred by each and every clever

Little word that my mind takes too far

Burns a hole in my heart and leaves a scar to be looked at

From afar

Maybe I'll finally wake up one night

Or maybe this fight has no hope

In any light- at least none that I'll ever see

Hey tomorrow me-

Love that girl through each and every night

I'm too scared to say it

But I'm losing this fight

Every tomorrow onwards

Every tomorrow and each today

The sorrows never go away

Knocking on the door

Stomping down the floor

Always taking more

I can't be who I want to be

No matter how hard I try

I'm always failing to see

The path to getting by

All I see is who I once was

Who I could've been

Should've been

Left the den because

I thought I could make it on my own

Never was I so wrong in this hinking

Becuase before I finished blinking

Life flashed before my eyes

That were closed a tad too early

The moon dies

And I won't see tomorrow certainly

Don't even care anymore

About the rhyme or the door

They can kick it down

Make me a clown

Burn the moon out of the sky

She never shined for my anyways

Maybe one day I'll be normal

Or maybe that's why I act like a kid so much

Becuase I miss the days

Of my only problems being

The cup of grape juice spilling

Or my pokemon cards not having a charizard

Or waiting for dad to come home

Or my favorite shirt was in the wash

I wish these were the cause of my tears

Instead my only and biggest fears

Are if I'll live to see tomorrow

Or make my own dreams come true

A day with my six year old self under the sky

And Id just sit there and cry

Begging for a different future for that curly haired boy

Or maybe just a tree with some shade for the long run

Long nights with puffy eyes

And stupid pain that will make you cry

And this mind that keeps you locked away

Maybe they can do mind transplants one day

I'm sorry boy.

I'm sorry that each and every toy

Will be thrown away

When all you can say

And all you see

Is fear and pain in cartoons on the tv

I don't know what I'd say to 6 year old me

Maybe Id just give him some candy.

Pat him on the shoulder but not tell him this:

No dream or present or girl or any kiss

Can Change the mind in that head

That only thinks of the day you'll be dead

Down the pills and drink the drink

Let the blood wash down the sink

Smile at the misfortune coming your way

And with that yellow grin yell say,

"Fuck You, sorrows, everyday,

I will make my dreams come true this day."

Birthday cake ice cream

I find myself Another year older

And my dear is gone

And the bed is much colder

Summer solstice was no fun

I'll love her, I'll love her  with all my heart

As the sun burns through the clouds

 And The sky falls apart 

As the apocalypse runs loud

And even children have their doubts

When no cars can start and no airplanes fly

She'll be my darling till her face lights up the sky

Her eyes will bright green glow

Long after my white hair falls to the snow

As I Shiver in the cold of a world without a light

My girl will be warm, her heart at fire at night

She is the moon collecting light from the  sun

Just to be right there when I'm done

With life anger and pride

Done with myself and ready to die

When the music won't play,

Or maybe I can't hear it

She'll sing to me each day

As under the tree we sit

There isn't much in this world I look forward to,

But any dream of her is my favorite view

Like the sun stood still for just a tad too long and made the crescent moon light up the sky the next night

A star a thousand light years away sped up just a tad to make it in time to see

The waves were pushing each other out of the way to squeeze into the bay

All of the clouds so puffed up with joy filled the sky with a cotton ball shite tint 

Yet the bear down below in the canopy of trees

Couldn't see anything through the leaves

Th bear's bicycle had a flat tire

And he was hungry for berries in winter

He knows only grow in the summer

Lost, so lost, yet always running into the bars of the cage

And the cables that hold

Life before falling to death, maybe one last change of mind

Or some otters down below

A Broken back at 70 miles an hour 

All for a life born too sour

The decisions already made the first step forward

It was a life of pain that bought the plane ticket

No desire for anything

But release from the sorrow

Tomorrow will be better, tomorrow.

Hopes full of letdowns

But nope none the less

Just a glimmer though the trees

A Knights tale

Rags and riches swell

A head full of hell

On earth is not the place

That's not the face

I want to see

Anymore or be

This person I am

Braids and mud 

Cuts and blood

Dreams of roses

And kisses on noses

A broken lance

But not the slightest chance

That bridge will ever fall

I'm certain I'll see it another day

Yet tomorrow it'll fade away

The brightest of reds

The biggest of debts

I owe to all

A sword fight in a coat

A kite from a boat

Dreaming is not just for some

nightmares for all but none

I'll take a trip

Make a day of it

A knights tale on the plane

A lifetime to forget and to waste

Forget

"It's been a while, Raven.

I see you've been doing well.

You fly towards the heavens 

Without a glance towards hell."

"Remember those scarecrows

And the worries they sow 

Only to reap loss and sadness

And days without gladness.

They forget the sky above

Focusing on the feel of love

Instead you must know you know

And by knowing you shall surely show

Your love to those around

Without your fake smile and your heart to the ground.

"What do you see Raven?"

"I am tired." Said Raven.

"I see raspberries and stop signs

Ladybugs and wine

Apples and traffic lights

Cocacola and brake lights

I see roses and fire

And baloons on a wire

The smell of christmas and cherries

And orchards full of strawberries

The stripes on the flag and the fire truck light

The sun when it goes through the clouds just right

I see the sound of sirens aloud

And roosters crowing proud.

I only think of it in my nightmares

Because it gives me the scares

But maybe these dreams are just fate

Same as the color of the Golden Gate.

Leaving earth

We run all day just to catch up to the night

Telescope can't see things this far out of sight

All I ever wanted and all I ever dreamed

Slipping away with me grabbing at the seems

A few years he says with voice in power

But I don't believe I'll ever see this hour

Of that past I dreamed for the future memory

Just a glare of a reflection remains ever so slightly

I'll take my spaceship around the universe black

Bring home my friends some knick nacks

Who will remember me that's the question

I forgot about you will be the confession

Three days to space is a long time

The stars all around and the earth behind

Forgotten isn't a feeling I'll ever miss

But like a sun in a solar eclipse

I know it's there

Too scared to ask

But who cares

Shadow rememberence mask

I can see your bright future from space

The beautiful freckles on your face,

Yet everyone forgets who they don't see

Unless they are mailed a letter daily

Never home quite enough soon

Wandering on the dark side of the moon

The craters remember, they do

Forever a footprint from my shoe

I'll find a fountain, I promise

I'll make wishes in my pajamas

The shooting stars are much brighter

And moon wishes much lighter.

Pajamas

Broken bones and music tones

Soaring past the ears That fail to hear

That speak of love and hope and dreams

Found in others, toys and ice cream

So much joy a little cup yet up up up 

Only to drop and shatter a knee

While getting uncertain looks from she 

No one likes a bear in rage

But what they can't see is the cage

Around his mind that he truly doesn't understand

Fighting everyday to break free yet

There's not even a light in the tunnel to see

Who'd want to be around an angry bear?

Certainly you couldn't scratch his hairy hair

The moon doesn't mind

But she's only being kind

She wants nothing to do with it

I long to have my own kids, job, and pay

But I couldn't bear to see another today

Sunday, saturday, wednesday, May,

I can't imagine one more day

I've gotten to know the sun and I've dated the moon,

Yet it's surely not too soon

To say I will never love

Anything on earth or up above

The bridge calls my name

But maybe it's just for fame

I once went to that bridge though I knew better

I made it out alive and thought I was better 

Now thinking of it all the time

I don't think it's something of the past

No matter how far it always will last

As an  image graven into my mind

Can I ever find

Hope and dreams or either or 

The bear in rage trudges on

Soon there will be no night light on

Why not visit the bridge next today

It surely seems to take the pain away

Red iron

Not a galaxy up above nor an earthworm below

Can see into the heart of my soul 

Though the star give light to all I delight,

all I see is darkness

I think that I was born blind

Or maybe just my mind

Has always told me to run

Away from the setting sun

All things beautiful I long to touch

To grab, to hold, to clutch. 

Closely

Yet that bridge where the second life begins

Where death always gets his win

Looks all the more appealing

Death is coming, hands stealing.

Red cast iron and cables stretched

- across the world but not far fetched-

It Makes life painful for many

While painkillers for one role in plenty

Was that just a dream I had 

Or is everyday this bad?

An illusion,

Mocking my vision I look to the sky

But it is a lie

And the bridge keeps creaking in the wind

It'll happen again before I know it

Not a tick on the clock

Not a diggory dock

There's 7 yellow cars

But none will start

Maybe a free haircut

Or a pass by look

Can draw a smile

Make time pass a while

Nah not this time

Not in this rhyme

No night light today

The night Suns on vacation

There's some lightning bugs

And tomorrow's hugs

From the sun I dream

But it only seems

One of these days

The clock will again tick four

And closed will be that door

Will I have given myself

Or cries to sleep

Nocturnal

I've been living nocturnally lately

I hardly ever see my family

Living by the light of the moon

Each night can't come too soon

Luna's Rays are enough to see

Adventures hope in light happily

Yet I often think of the sun

The warmth in each morn

Red waves frequency

Coming through the trees

I do love the moon and her smile

I could laugh with her all while

Yet what if all I love

In that moon up above

What if all I see in the sky of night

Is just coming from the sun's light?

Is this really my home

Or have I rented this

House for a while? I 

Had a different

Home once, and

Now I'm feeling

Homeless.

I

Think I

Used to live

On the beach but

It's just in my head

Forgetting a memory takes time

Forgetting a smile takes replacement

the weightless feeling  seeing the sky kiss the ocean in every blue and that jet black that only some know of is impossible to forget. For me it is

Oh to see that sight without fear of an approaching storm. To have the black wink back at you while shadow Rays make a smile in the clouds

Oh that this beauty would let itself be admired, instead it rains everyday.

The ocean swells from the gray clouds above

And I'm beginning to forget that ocean.

Allow me to see it once more.

Sumday

How I long to go back to that past world

Where the sun shone red and lit up the whole earth

As bright as the smile on my face

I miss my wife from that place

She only ever was beautiful

The impossibly perfect to me

An incorruptible soul among the clouds 

She sang with her ocean eyes towards heaven

But that past world has nothing for me

Just a run down body and a ruined city

Where everything suddenly is black

And the smells give you a heart attack

You can't simply dream of a past time

Even in dreams we know when something isn't right 

I just wake up saying, "what a lie."

To go back to that place and see my children's faces

See them dance under the moon and wave goodbye on my business trips

But in this world the moon has fallen out of the sky 

And I'm told everything was a lie

Maybe one day I'll learn to let myself dream at night but for now the sheets are too itchy